Viva la Mami

101. Managing Mom Rage and Emotional Dysregulation with Jocelyn Flores

• Jessica Cuevas • Season 4 • Episode 101

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In this episode, I delve into the all-too-common experiences of emotional dysregulation and 'mom rage' that many Latina moms face. Joined by licensed marriage and family therapist Jocelyn Flores, founder of Raíz Parenting, we discuss practical tools like mindful breathing techniques and setting healthy boundaries to help manage these overwhelming emotions.

Jocelyn also shares insights on the impact of our cultural background and the importance of self-compassion in the parenting journey. This is an authentic, judgment-free conversation aimed at providing support and reminding mamis that they are not alone in their struggles. We also explore how to break generational cycles of parenting and create a more emotionally secure environment for our children.

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode101

Connect with Jocelyn Flores

Resources Mentioned:

Feeling overwhelmed by navigating cultural expectations and modern parenting as a Latina mom? Join Balanced Madrehood, Viva la Mami's signature coaching program designed to empower Latina moms to create a more balanced and fulfilling madrehood journey.  Head over to vivalamami.com/balanced-madrehood to learn more!

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have you ever found yourself yelling at your kids and immediately feeling guilty about it? Do you sometimes feel like your emotions are spiraling out of control? Leaving you wondering if you're the only mommy struggling to keep it together? Or maybe you've caught yourself thinking. I don't want to parent like my parents did, but I keep failing into the same patterns. Well, we'll head. If you're nodding your head right now. I totally get it. I've been there and I am still on the struggle bus. Well On today's episode, this is exactly what you need to hear Joining me today is Joslin. FLOTUS a licensed marriage and family therapist. Who's dedicated her career to helping parents. Become their children's emotional, safe Haven. With over five years of experience, working with families. Jocelyn is the founder and creator of rice parenting, where she coaches, parents to show up more confidently and securely in their relationships with their children. And this episode, we're diving deep into a topic that isn't talked about enough, and that is emotional dysregulation and mom rage, especially in our. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by your emotions as a mama or caught yourself reacting in other ways, in ways you later regret this episode is for you. Joscelyn shares practical tools for emotional regulation from mindful breathing techniques to setting healthy boundaries all while honoring your cultural background and personal journey. Together we're going to explore how daily stressors affect our nervous systems. I discuss the importance of self-compassion and learn about cycle breaking parenting. So get ready for an authentic judgment-free conversation that will remind you that you're not alone in this journey. And that with the right tools and support, you can become the mama. You aspire to be. So without further ado, let's welcome. Jocelyn and FLOTUS from.Parenting.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Hello, Jocelyn. How are you?

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

I'm doing good. How about yourself?

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

I am well. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate you creating a space that is centered around parenting and And that you are intentional because you bring a lot of wealth of expertise. And so I am just very excited for you to tell us a little bit more about what emotional dysregulation looks like for mamas. I don't think I've ever had this conversation on the podcast, so I am excited because This will definitely resonate a lot with many mommies who are listening on the show. So, before we delve into that conversation though, if you can tell our listeners a little bit more about yourself.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Absolutely. Yes. Thank you. I'm so honored to be here today. I'm really excited to like you said, be talking to the mommies out there, especially about this topic. This is a big part of what I do. Day in and day out, but let me jump in and just break it down a little bit for everybody. I know you'll give them an intro of me, but I'd love to kind of just jump into that too. So for listeners out there or viewers as well I'm Jocelyn Flores. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I'm also the founder of Rais Parenting Rais for those who don't know means roots, right? Like the roots of a tree. And this is where I serve as a parent coach to support mindful parents, cycle breaking parents, right? All those parents who are on that journey to break harmful or just not useful. generational family cycles. So in other words, and in other words, more normal words, I teach parents how not to parent like their parents did. So that's what I do, but a bit about me. Cliff notes. Cause if not, the girl can go on the tangent. And then it'll turn to a therapy session. So I am first generation Latina, uh, the youngest of two immigrants. My dad is from Guatemala. My mom is una mexicana, very proud to be both. I grew up in Orange County, California, a small town called Tustin, predominantly Latinos a little bit of everything, but definitely we got our Latino culture there. And then throughout my life, I've moved all over California, Southern California to be specific. And now I'm married, newly married in January, and I married my college sweetheart and we're living in Arizona. This is his home state. So we've kind of been moving around a bit. Yeah,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

out West. You're

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

yes, I'm still

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

a warm climate.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

too warm, some would say, still warm. We're at the time of recording. It is October for people and it is warm. It is hot still. It won't really cool down out here until like the end of October, which is mind blowing to me because being from California, it's always a steady 70 to 80 most of the time, and then it'll fluctuate there. You know throughout the months, but that's usually our our weather. So it's been a big adjustment for me But that's the the cliff notes personal wise and then professionally I like I shared i'm a therapist. I'm a licensed therapist. I kind of always knew I wanted to work with people just because or at least be a therapist because I really was so intrigued by people's stories Like I just knew we all had our own narratives and we're all so different, right? Even siblings growing up in the same household have different narratives. So that always fascinated me And I was like, I want to give people that space to share their stories and to be heard so that's why I chose therapy and Not sure if viewers know but those who are getting gonna get to know me. I'm also a child therapist So I specialize in working with kiddos and families. You And with that, I think my true gift in that has just been patience, having the patience to work with parents and their kiddos and having the empathy because not a lot of people have empathy for kiddos, unfortunately. So that was my true calling, working with kids and with families. And that's where parent coaching stemmed because I saw that gap in, in that support and that parents needed that support and that they're the change agents. And all of this. So I know I'm kind of going on a tangent. I prefaced and I warned that this could turn into a therapy session, but that's really me. Cliff notes all in all.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yes. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you for that introduction and I'm learning a lot about you now, so thank you,

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yeah. Yeah. So thank you for the space. Yeah. And just letting me go on a tangent.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah, no, no, and and really I think it's definitely important to share about your expertise because when you focus on a specific area like, uh. Child mental health. It's not so you working directly with the child. It's the parents and that can make an impact on the child's mental health. And now you are being very intentional in working with parents to make sure that they don't repeat the cycle. So yes, so thank you for sharing that. And when it comes to moms specifically and their mental health, a lot of the times we just say, And oftentimes in our culture, like we just blame moms que son bien enojonas, that they have this rage, you know, que, oh, they're hormonal and all of these, I would say types of excuses when we really don't know the root cause. of what emotional dysregulation is. And so can you tell us a little bit more about what emotional dysregulation is and how does that show up in moms specifically?

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. So I have to, I have to say this because this is such a buzzword right now. Regulation, right? Like, and especially in our field is as coaches and like parent coaches and mental health, like those kind of working in that space. We have to remember that This is not a common word. This isn't a word that people use all the time. Right? So if you don't mind, I would love to break that down a little bit, like break down

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah. Hmm.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

dysregulation of just a little bit. So, in, in all honesty, I'm being candid. I learned this word, even though I've been a clinician for over five years and working with families. I learned this word like two years ago because it's, and it finally sunk in because We throw it out and we're just like, yeah, you need to regulate this or you like, but we don't really know what it means. So all in all, I'm going to start with just what regulation means first. And then I'm going to add everything. So regulation is essentially think of regulation, like managing or controlling something, right? Just, just even just the word itself. So managing to control that's kind of the action of what regulation does especially in this context Okay in the context of feelings. So even that in itself. I just gave it away. So in the context of feelings right emotional Regulation is emotional control right being able to manage our feelings controlling our feelings and now when we throw in the word Dysregulation, meaning the inability to control that or the inability to manage that. I kind of just like to tell people it's just really your feelings out of whack, right? Like you are being thrown, your nervous system and all these things are being thrown out of whack. That is the dysregulation piece, right? Especially again, emotional dysregulation. So, how do I describe this? Like I said, so. Because I work with kiddos and I work with parents. I like to just explain that it's important to how would I say, have almost like a toolbox. This is why we talk about coping skills. This is why we talk about learning how to manage it. Right? Because. It's so important to have that almost like that toolbox Like when you have a toolbox you always have a hammer and you have a wrench you have all these right? I'm, not familiar. Don't quote me. I don't know all these tools, but you have different tools same thing with your emotional Toolbox your coping skills, right? This is to help you regulate this is kind of the concept to answer your question of what is emotional dysregulation.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

I appreciate you defining emotional regulation, because if we don't know that, like, how can we essentially connected with emotional dysregulation? You know, Or better ourselves. When we are experiencing that. Yeah.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

That kind of just is what emotional regulation and dysregulation is in, in its concept, right? So that, that viewers or listeners understand like, okay, this is what we mean when we say this word regulation, because it is thrown around so much right now in the parenting world, you hear words like co regulate, regulation, learning. Yes. Okay. So I see you nodding your head. So because, That's what it means. It's learning how to co manage our feelings in the moment, right? So with moms, their nervous system or just even humans. Okay. So strip away the mom identity. Just even humans, our nervous system is almost kind of like, Think of it like, oh, the way our brain and our body sends messages to each other. So it has like this interconnected, almost like, okay, the telephone lines that we have, that's how we connect to each other, right? Through our cell towers. That's kind of how the nervous system works. So the reason I'm bringing that up is because I'm going to talk about moms nervous systems in just a second. So with that, all those messages are being sent constantly throughout the body. Yes? So. Think of a mom's nervous system. Mom's nervous system's constant different messages are being sent from all over the place. For example, I'm going to use like a mom who is a toddler mom. I think you're a toddler mom right now. Yes, a two, two under three. Okay. Okay. So perfect. You are my, my example

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

who are three and under.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes, please correct me. We can add more to it. Even the nervous system of like being pulled from one place to the other, you have screaming going on, you have crying on one side, maybe you have one needing you. And then you also have the positives. You have like somebody playing, wanting to play, wanting your attention. Right? So even that, that was five different things being pulled in all those directions. That is going to shoot up your nervous system and dysregulate you. Right. That is going to, I know people can't see me, but what I'm doing is like almost like that outweighing of a scale. Like it's going to just shift things very quickly for you. So I don't know if you want to say anything to that. I don't want to overstep.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

mean, that's definitely valid. And I, even though I don't feel that equilibrium, like where I'm physically trying to balance myself it's definitely. Something that I can identify based on my behaviors, my actions, my words, even what my body is telling me, whether if I have this like tightness in my stomach, or I have sweaty palms, like I, it's, And, and this, then when I'm getting to that point, it leads into just rage, you know? And I don't know if there's a connection between once you are in this sense of dysregulation, you know, does that then lead to rage or all the feels that, you know, your body is just trying to express. But that's definitely how I feel. And this is more so, you know, when we are in, in a specific schedule, like, for example, taking my three year old out at the door for preschool, right? Like, Oh my gosh, like I, I, feel like I get so dysregulated because first of all, I am not a morning person whatsoever. Like I love to sleep. I love to sleep in and it sucks that we have to conform to this new schedule that Is based on the school system, you know, and, and now I'm just like, not only pushing myself to get up, but now I have to get the little one get up and, and then it just causes this plethora of just like being so out of whack, like how you said, you know, and this is just in the essence of like waking up to get to school,

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Even as you said that I was, I was envisioning like almost like the stacking of plates, like things add up, they stack up. Right. And like you said, if your body, again, back to your nervous system, if your nervous system isn't, what is that saying? Like you're not a, An early bird, you're more like a night owl or whatever, right? But your nervousness, because that's true to us, like our nervous systems, our circadian rhythms are so different. So even if you're not that kind of person, but like you said, you kind of have to acclimate to a certain schedule. Now you're like, Oh man. Okay. This is overwhelming, right? The stressor is a lot more stressful for you. It's a lot bigger than it would be for someone else who maybe doesn't find it as stressful. Right? So now the, it's almost like that, those sayings, like the stacks, the, how do you say it? The odds are stacked against you, that kind of thing. Right. And it can feel that way. That's where the out of whack, like dysregulation, right. Can kind of feel in the body. Like you said, it can eventually lead to that rage. Yeah. Mm hmm.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Mm hmm. Yeah, it's so interesting. Let's talk a little bit more about like, our nervous system a little bit more. In what ways can we identify if our nervous system is being triggered, based on this level of dysregulation that we may have?

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So then I'll answer your first question. Let's the first one and then I'll jump over. Yeah. So a little bit about the nervous system for folks. Yeah. So like I had shared earlier, so think of the nervous system like again, like I said, like, what did I call it? Like almost these like different cell towers, right? Or, or I don't even know what do they call it? The telephone poles, like all the lines, right? Everything's interconnected. We really are so interconnected. So think of it like that. That is what our nervous system is for our body. That's how our brain connects to our heart, which connects to our stomach, which connects to our bowel movements, whatever, right? Like we're all inner. We're all connected. We're all one being. And I think that gets forgotten very easily because especially with the split of mental health and like physical health, like that's why a lot of clinicians and a lot of experts are moving towards a holistic, you hear that a lot, holistic style. And that's what that means. It means we're going to take into account your nervous system and your other internal systems all as one. So I wanted to connect it to a little bit of how that affects like that dysregulation that you're kind of asking about. So was thinking of this example. I'm like, okay, so it's an example. I usually share with parents. So, An example I usually share is like, okay, as for viewers, the ones who are watching or the ones who see me in person, they know I have really bad eyesight because my glasses are super thick. So just warning people who can't hear me or can't see me, sorry, and who can only hear me, I have really bad eyesight. So the example is about me. So like if I was walking down a dark alley or just even a dark hallway, say that, I might instantly get really reactive and really kind of go into fight or flight. Because I'm seeing shadows and I can't really quite perceive. So that's just a quick way that my nervous system will shoot up really quickly to protect me. Okay, so it'll send my brain will get scared and it'll send a message to my body. It's time to sweat. It's time to run. It's time to do all these things, right? It's, it's dysregulated if that makes sense. So pretty much that's how I teach parents like, okay, this is what your nervous system does. It's there to go into fight or flight or freeze. mode. Also, there's a fawn as well now. And Think of it like on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, my body just shot up, my, my, my nervous system just shot up to an 8 or a 9, right? So that's why I think about, to relation to moms, right? And to parents who are kind of going through this, they're not constantly in in that situation of like, like in the situation of like they're about to be attacked, like not that kind of perception, but to some degree, right? If parents are already, as you said, when you wake up and you're already stressed out. If parents are already at a out of that 10, a five or a six, can you imagine having a toy thrown at you? Can you imagine having your you instantly shoot up your nervous system does go into a bit of that fight or flight mode. That's where that rate comes out. I know I'm only talking about fight flight. There's a few more fight, fight, freeze on for listeners. But just for the sake of the example, right? It does go into fight or flight mode. Mhm. Right. Either, like you said, fight or where the rage happens, or you fight, you just like kind of ignore it or you just kind of freeze to some degree. Right. So

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Mm hmm. And especially like from a cultural standpoint, who the heck. Do our people talk about the nervous system? To be honest, I've never heard of the nervous system and its functionality until I went with a chiropractor. And I guess, you know, there's a connection, you know, whether if it's like, Oh, or DNA, you know, it's whatever, but You know, when we really talk about these terms and words, like, how does that really connect with our lived experiences? Like how, what kinds of examples are there where we are able to connect? And that's why I'm here. You're here, you know, uh, to, for us to have this conversation, uh, so that mommies can really identify like, Oh, this, this is my lived experience too. And, And, yeah. And, and so why do you think. Moms specifically, struggle to stay regulated.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Moms are being pulled from one part to the other, right? Again, like we shared I'm going to use that same scale that I just talked about a moment ago is like on a scale of one to 10, 10 being like, let's say if 10 is the highest it'll go. Our nervous systems as moms are constantly. under stress and it's little stressors, right? And stress, I'm going to say stress in quotations because stress is not always a bad thing. Like stress just means something that's impacting you, right? Like it just means when we say stressors, at least in the mental health field, like it's, it's just something that's happening. That's all. It's just another block in your life kind of thing. But Those blocks, like we said, those dishes or whatever analogy you want to use, those things add up, right? You have, whether you're a stay at home mom or a working mom, like you have these stressors of one taking care of this kiddo, making sure this kiddo also is learning from me is keeping them alive, right? Like this other human being on top of that, your own health, your own self, you're definitely being pulled, not even talking about, right. Those who are partnered also taking care of partners, right? Or also me taking, uh, work if those who are working. So there's so many different stressors that impact the nervous system and impact that dysregulation. So if that's what you're, you were asking like, it, it's just a buildup of, of things and that can lead to overwhelm, which can lead to like you shared rage, which can lead to burnout. Right? Because our nervous system is being revved up constantly. And when I say revved up, you know when a car, when you step on it and it makes that like, sound like you're revving the engine, that's what you're doing to your own engine constantly. Did that, does that resonate

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yes. Yes. Yes, it does. And I think it's not just the day to day things, like the physical labor that we do from I don't know, like prepping their breakfast, prepping their lunch the night before, doing the physical labor, if you will. But it's also the mental load that Our brains are constantly wired, you know, to the T, like I, and I feel like I never have the sense of rest really, because I am not only on survival mode because, we have two little ones, like it's just nonstop, but it's also, Like, how do I even take care of myself? You know, by me like setting a list of things that I have to do for my own health, like setting up that appointment that I've been meaning to do for the past two years to the, Gynecologist. And so, there's just. This whole running list in our head and for me, for some reason, if I don't achieve that running list, I get so dysregulated because it's that added layer of the physical things that I also have to do. And so how can we kind of break that? Like, what are your recommendations? Um, Because I'm sure that many, you know, mamas that are listening to this episode, they can resonate. With that, like we carry on so much of that mental load that and that in like labor, you know, that we essentially do as moms.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

That's kind of a loaded question. Cause I'm like, I wish we could do like a therapy session right now and start like breaking apart all the different, right. But, but for listeners, yes. I have to be mindful that this is for listeners. They're little things for them. I don't want to overwhelm them with like a lift of like, let's peel apart the onion. Right. But. To start, right? To start, like you said, to meet you where you're at in regards to, like you said, not just the physical things, but also the mental things, right? I'll give you two and these are two skills that are just in a sense, kind of basic, but not really because we easier said than done, right? Like, like you just shared, it's not like you can just go and like, you know, go to the spot. I'm not going to recommend that, but these are things that you carry with you constantly. Yes, and again, they may not be life changing, but they will make little baby steps to start and to start getting you to that bridge or across that bridge of what changes do you want to make and also how to start to regulate as a whole being, right? Not just the mental part, the mind, but also the body. Okay so something as simple as. I really liked emphasis on this one. This one is honing down on like breathing. I know that's going to like go one ear and one out the other for a lot of people. That's perfectly fine. But there's such an importance in breathing cause we're learning right now today about the nervous system and regulation and our breath. It's so critical. People forget that our breath is, again, we don't think about us breathing. Like we're probably not thinking about it until I said it right now, right? What our breath feels like. Even mine right now. I'm like, oh, I'm breathing kind of fast. I'm maybe talking kind of fast. So we don't, we're not mindful of that all the time. So those are the moments of us kind of like shifting back. Like you said, I have this to do. I have to sign this right now. I have to go do this. Oh my goodness. And then I have me, how am I going to get through this? Giving yourself that pause. I'm just taking a breath and just meeting yourself and regulating, because it's not a magic pill, right? Nothing is, but this is a place to start and to take just one baby step of, I'm going to take this breath. And it's not even just like a breath because everyone can take a breath right now. Right. And just like, that's easy, but it's not right. But it's not just that kind of a breath. This is like, again, you are, you said the word earlier, right? You are rewiring your brain with this breath. That's how powerful these are. They're not just, right, breaths. Cause we all do that. We breathe in and out every day, but we are mindfully rewiring when, how to control and regulate our breath that is regulating our nervous system, which in turn is reducing some of that rage and maybe bringing down a couple notches. I'm not going to promise you're not going to ever be in rage, but it's definitely going to help you regulate a bit better. So to, to share with your listeners, a breath is as simple as this. You can breathe in through your nose. That's how I always teach it. You breathe in through your nose, almost like you're sniffing cookies. That's the easiest way I know how to remind myself. You breathe in through your nose and inhale for just a few seconds. And then you exhale through your mouth like you're blowing out a birthday candle, right? It's very controlled But you do that a couple of times and I will say to fall uh to your followers and to your listeners I do I don't want to put a guarantee on it But I do promise that you will start to see shifts even maybe even instantly as you start practicing it You're going to start to notice. Oh, whoa Okay, my kid just threw this at me, and I'm really pissed, but if I step away and just take a couple of breaths, now I can kind of meet them in a different spot, versus probably yelling at them back, right? Because that doesn't feel good, right? We don't want to meet them in that rage. We want to meet them in, okay, I'm angry, but I'm not in rage.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

it's so important to breathe. Like I, it does, I feel so much better. And I think it's, it's, it's It's just like exercising, right? Like if you put your step forward, like it's going to work. You're literally training your body to, in this case, regulate itself. And I think, yeah, that, that can be very helpful

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Absolutely. Again, I'm, I stole your word, but you're rewiring your brain, your nervous system. And that's not even the mind part, right? Cause you had asked me like, what about the mindset? Like that's more of like the physical stuff. What about like the mindset almost to that degree. And again, hopefully this doesn't go one year and out the other, but in reality, I like to practice this a lot and it's just compassion. I think we lack that for ourselves so much, like we lack being nice to ourselves, because the way we talk to ourselves is critical. Because, okay, same example, kiddo throws something at you and you yell and then, or whatever, right, you snap, whatever kind of comes up because you're just on that fight or flight, like we said, maybe more in that fight mode. And then you yell and then kiddo goes away. And you just feel like crap, like it doesn't feel good, right? You could really choose two things. You could choose to continue to beat yourself up, and call yourself a bad mom, and da da da da da, and go that route. You really could choose to do that, right? We know the outcome of that, that doesn't feel good. Or you could choose to say, Hold on a second. Yes, I just did this and it didn't feel good. And maybe I will try my best not to do that anymore. Something has to shift, right? It's just that reflected piece. Like something has to shift and maybe this time I will go apologize to my kid or maybe. Next time it happens. I will be more mindful that they just threw something at me. So I need to adjust there. Like maybe we need to talk about the throwing because the throwing is the problem, right? So it just gives that space like that window of give me a second. Let me be compassionate with myself versus still going down the same path. Down the same road.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah. and it's about, bringing this self awareness about ourselves, like whether if it's our actions, our behaviors are, you know, like I said, like our words especially when we are interacting with our kids. And I think many of us are still healing from these traumas. That we've experienced as little kids, where our parents perhaps never apologized, or they never really shown the sense of regulation in front of us, and so we can essentially repeat the cycle again, once we do become parents, if we're not aware of, what we're doing and what we're saying. And I think that yes, and taking those baby steps are so essential for sure.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yeah. I know. I know we want to run and trust me, I see it all the time with parents. Like I know they want when they come in and they want to be coached or even when I'm working with their kiddo, like they want to go from point A to Z. I'm like, I get that. I know, but it's going to just take, let's take a few steps together. And once they get on the road and on the, on the, on the way, they're like, wow, that's awesome. I didn't realize how further along I was, or I didn't realize, right, like how things are shifting because it's just this mindset of normalcy's expectations, right, that are set and put upon us that we need to be a certain way. But absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Like you said. Yeah. Mm hmm.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah. And this is similar to what you said, but based on your experience, what are some of the common concerns that moms have about not being able to regulate? For example, back to that invisible. Labor or the mental load

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Mm hmm. Mm

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

A lot of times we want to be in control with a lot of the things and we are Afraid or we just don't want to delegate And so I can see that being a major concern even though it's gonna be helpful for the mom to hopefully regulate herself. Like, I could see that though being something that can be helpful for the mom, but for some reason she still continues on taking on a lot of the things that her partner can do. If they are in a partnered relationship, right? Like that's the one thing that kind of came up. So what has your experience been like, in order to avoid dysregulation, what can moms do? Okay? Um, And it takes time for me to decide what I wanna do really, to not continue on

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

A lot of the common threads that I see with the parents that I'm working with is I do hear a lot of the complaints like you shared about like, how am I gonna disperse this? You know, like, how am I going to delegate this? How, how are we going to, to do this? But I think because A lot of the parents in the crux that I work with them, it does revolve a lot about specifically like the emotions and the dysregulation that comes up. Not to veer off too much, but I'm surprised. I think I'm going to verbalize it. I don't think they verbalize it this way, but I see it as a clinician is a lot of them are really scared to repeat those cycles and to essentially, I'm using quotes, hurt their kid. And that's not always, like, hurt doesn't always mean, like, a physical hurt. I mean, I know a lot of us have experiences like that, but it's not always physical. It's also that emotional hurt happens. And I think, again, a lot of the parents that I work with, at least the common thread that I do see, is that they are really scared of emotionally hurting or emotional, like, almost emotionally scarring, right? Like, repeating that trauma to some degree. Emotionally scarring their kiddo based on their responses. Right? Rage continues to come up or those actions like a part of them have that reflective space where they're like, Whoa, I'm starting to notice my kid is not talking to me or I'm starting to notice my kid was a little scared of me right or whatever the responses and so that's where they kind of come in with that concern of what's happening like what's what are they doing or what am I doing wrong or like right it's almost just like what what is the problem here so

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Right.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

of the this one I will say is a common like quote that a lot of parents say, and that's why I've kind of taken it. And like, this is like my mantra. This is like my fight, my fight mantra with my raised parenting is I don't want to raise my child the same way I was raised. Like that piece of, I don't want to repeat that cycle. I don't like something has to change here. And that is like the mantra that I use. And that is, you know, hearing that for me when I work with them is. I don't want to parent, like I shared earlier, I don't wanna parent my child the same way or with the same tools that we were parented with. If that's, yeah. If that's resonating. Yeah.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah. And that definitely resonates. You know, it's as first, second generation Latino parents, like I think we're doing a lot of the work and it can be so exhausting.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes. Mm-Hmm.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

then you feel defeated. You feel like, Oh, am I good enough? And, you know, and then all the feels come up and, and at the end of the day, like, yeah, you think a lot about you know, you just don't want to parent the way that you were parented, but it, it takes more than those words, right? I think it takes a lot of that, even the breath work that you shared, right? It's like being intentional about how we ourselves can essentially regulate selves as individuals to not emulate that, you know, that repetitive cycle that we grew up because we got to do the work and I know it's so exhausting. Like it is very exhausting. Like I, we already do the, we're doing the research, we're know, creating that awareness. We're doing all of that reflection and now we're going to have to do these exercises. Right. But that's just part about being a parent and intentional parent. And it's, yeah, it's hard. It's really hard. Yeah.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes. Absolutely. And like you said, intentional parenting. That's it in itself. You have to be intentional. You're, you're being mindful of how. Again, having the awareness parents, right? There's so many words. There's so many. There's conscious parenting. There's so many labels, but that's the point is are doing all those things. And that's how we're showing up as parents for this next generation.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Absolutely. Yeah.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

hmm.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

And, you know, kind of talking about our, the way that we grew up and the way that we probably saw our parents and specifically our moms or abuelas, any like sort of female figure that raised us. Do you think that our dysregulation? When we show that to our children is influenced by our cultura or the way that we were raised by these women? I don't know if you've ever been asked that question or if you've had interactions like that with your clients, but I'm kind of curious that the way that we handle ourselves and we're dysregulated, are we modeling it after the women in our family

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Mm These tools are being passed down from generation to generation, if I can say. So these traumas right? That's this again, another word, generational or intergenerational trauma. That's what it is in itself. It's. Layers of these tools, these dysregulation, right? These nervous systems are being passed down and being modeled constantly, right? I'll give you an example. I'm thinking about for me. This one's common. So my mom used to, a lot used to use this one too much. The threat of el cucuy.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Oh,

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes. Okay, girl. I never want to

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

You know,

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

him.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

I, yes, I actually wanted to do an episode about all of these things that we grew up that was essentially put fear in us and our lived experience.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

yes, yes. So whether you want to plug in el cucuy or la chancla or la cuchara, whatever, el cinto, right? There's so many different, but, but the point is, regardless, whatever resonates with you, it's the threat, right? It's the, it's the threat. It's the, the fear based or oppressive based, right? Right. Parenting style. So yeah, that is modeled, right? Because they learned that from somewhere. They learned, hold on a second. This is, this works. This is how I was raised. You hear that a lot. This is how I was raised and I turned out fine. Right. So, but, but that's what, right. Yes. If people could only see the faces that we're making, but yeah, we're going to screenshot that one, but,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yes.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

but what I'm trying to get by that is. Again, we, we hear that right, even in our nervous systems right now, as we said that we had a reaction to the thought of the thought of right. So, yeah, so I don't know if that answers. I think that should answer your question of like, is does this pass on? Does it model? Absolutely. And I think that's why to circle back to the cycle breaking is. How do I say this? Like, there's parts of our culture that we want to hold on to, right? There's beautiful parts of our culture, comunidad what else is there besides la comida? That's my favorite. But you know, there's like, there's,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yes.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

but there's others, right? And it resonates with other people in other ways. But there's parts that are beautiful to our culture that we want to hang on to. But then, you These are the parts that have been passed down and have dysregulated our systems, right? Even again, we're a model of that just seconds ago of when we talk about el cucuy, it brings up feelings for us of like, whoa, hold on, it already, right? Our brains are wired to be dysregulated that way. So imagine generations before us. and the traumas they've experienced, right? And how they're passing down their thoughts and what they think is safe and what they think they're doing is the best part, right? I think that's the whole part of parenting too, is like they're, they're, every parent is trying to do the best they can with what they

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Mm hmm.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

but that's what makes this generation so different. These cycle breakers is that we are actually pausing and saying, hold on a second. I don't want to raise my kid. Like I'm going to break that. I don't want to raise my kid that way. I want to do better.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

saying that they're parenting. I can't speak for everybody, but we don't want to say that it was horrible because I know a lot of people feel defensive about that. That's one of the biggest debates in cycle breaking is like, no, that's not what we're saying. We're just saying that we just want to be better.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

What are skills that you recommend for moms to sort of center themselves? And I know that you shared the breathing exercise, but to avoid dysregulation or after they get in this like dysregulated mode, what are some skills? And that way, we can be present moms. I'm not saying that, this is so that we can be perfect individuals. I don't think that there will ever be a perfectionism in parenting, specifically motherhood. But what are some typical skills that you recommend

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

I'm really big on those mindfulness skills. Okay. So, so, like I shared, like you said, breathing. And then I said the compassion as well. Again, those are just like mindfulness skills. But when you said the word, yeah, of let's even think about it beforehand. So not even the aftermath right now, we're talking about like, before we get there, I think we had to kind of alluded to this earlier boundaries. That's where boundaries really come in. The boundaries are like a precursor. Think of them like that. Like it's something that's gotta be put in place before. Before the happening of it, right? So I'll use that example of I keep using this one throughout the whole episode. Clearly I have experienced this many times as a therapist. A child throws something at you, that's going to happen. That happens. We're human,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Oh yeah. It happens to me all the time. All the time.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Okay. So to prevent going into that dysregulation. right? We have to catch ourselves before that. We have to have those conversations. And again, I get it. Okay, I'm gonna use a three year old or a two year old. That's not gonna, you're not just gonna be like, Hey, okay, stop throwing this right? Like that would work probably as someone older, both the kiddo in the moment, they're probably not going to grasp that right away. So setting a boundary, and I'm using that specific example, but boundaries in themselves, setting a boundary, even as it's going to happen, like, Hey, I see you Like if they start throwing something, Hey, I see you're throwing things. How about let's do this instead. So redirection, right? Like, Hey, how about let's do this instead. Cause if they throw something at you again, you're probably going to go instantly or at least it's going to build up, right? So that's where the skills, like you said, we're talking about beforehand. Those are the after skills, but beforehand, Hey, I see you doing this. Last time we threw this, we're going to do something different. Right. We're going to redirect you. This is your boundary. Your boundary is like, I don't, I'm not okay with you throwing this at me. So let's do this instead. That's a boundary.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yeah.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

And that's just this one example, right? But even in regards to like, okay, mom has got dishes to do. Mom has got to take care of the kids, laundry, you name it. Right. And on top of that, we said taking care of ourselves. Boundaries are critical, even with ourselves. of being, I have, I have worked on this with a parent. I can't disclose their name, but we have talked about, okay, boundaries within yourself of one, you're only human. So you're not super woman. I mean, you, I'm a lot of moms are, but we don't need to rev our nervous system to that point, because think of it like a car. If you're going to use the gas all the way up every single day, you're doing some damage to that car. Right the same thing with our nervous system. We have to manage and regulate How much energy am I really going to put into this? Maybe today? I only have energy to show up for my kiddos and maybe Tonight, I don't cook dinner tonight. We're just gonna make sandwiches or tonight, right? It's little things like that Yeah, and I see you nodding your head, but that's a boundary it almost sounds so easy But it's not I know because in the moment once life happens, it's go go go But that's where we have to set the boundary with ourselves Right? And catch ourselves and say, how much energy do I have for this? How much, right? Cause you're talking about preventative. What can I do at this time? I have work to do tonight. I have my kiddos. I'm going to watch him. I put to bed, but maybe I don't work for three hours plus, because then I wake up the next day and it's a cycle. Maybe tonight I work and I do good work for an hour and a half. I'm going to test that out. It may not feel perfect right away, but that's a boundary.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

I think, part of that intentionality, in being a parent and raising, kids to be cycle breakers and all this stuff, like, I think that should also be reflected on ourselves and how we can also be intentional on the way that we, on the way that. We essentially want to achieve our very own goals and dreams and aspirations and, and how we can set those boundaries to and I also think about. So, like culturally speaking, for some reason we just think that our mother in laws or mamas are going to show up and they're going to judge our space. Because I know that so many of us have so much pressure about keeping the house clean and tidy, if you don't have that capacity because either you're prioritizing on yourself, or, you just want to spend quality time with your family. Like it's all this give in or give out sort of thing. Like, how do we balance that? And yeah, and I think it's even giving yourself that boundary to not think whether if you're doing a good job or not. you know, in this motherhood journey. And yeah, I literally just thought about that, like giving yourself permission to set those boundaries. And that sort of aspect.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yeah, that was the other skill. Remember the self compassion. It's the way we talk to ourselves. Ay viene la comadre o ay viene la suegra, whoever comes is coming, right? And it's like,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Right.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

it's like great. Right? Like, okay, because our perfectionism comes up. That is a cultural piece, right? Of making sure this is okay. This is okay over here. And you're right. So being kind to yourself that, you know what? I was a great mom today. Like I showed up for my kids. They were fed, they ate, they laughed, right? Like they did this. I even showed up for myself. I let myself take a 10 minute shower today and just enjoy, right? Whatever it is. I know I'm exaggerating, but. It's things like that, right? Just being really mindful with the parenting and the cycle breaking. Yeah.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

That's what matters. Yes. Well, Jocelyn, can you tell us a little bit more about Raíz Parenting and how can people connect with you? Because I'm sure they would love to be a part of your community.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Oh, yes, I would love to connect with them as well. So yeah, so right now with rice parenting, I'm getting ready to launch a parent membership, which I'm super excited for. It's kind of generic, but I'm calling it rice parenting community. That's the name is added community at the end. But easy peasy, right on brand. It's launching December this December, actually. So just in a couple months. Oh, my goodness. I'm looking at the calendar just in a couple months. I'm super stoked. And I'm going to be working with parents in a much closer capacity. So really stoked about that and actually a lot more accessible. So that's why I wanted to do a membership because mental health and coaching in itself can be so unaccessible in a sense in regards to whether it's price or whether it's, you know, just the resources, things like that. So I wanted to create that space, that community for parents to come in and kind of just be vulnerable and kind of work through their cycle, you know, their own cycle breaking journey because everyone's on a different. Spot in their journey.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Right.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

And yeah, that's, that's kind of what I'm launching this December again for if I use parenting, but in regards to where people can like find me. Right now is let's see, I would say go to Instagram. That's probably the best place to find me right now is on Instagram at Raiz Parenting, that's R A I Z, like the Raiz, like I said, of a tree. So Raiz Parenting. But I also have a gift, a freebie for your listeners. I have a free mini workbook that they can go grab if they'd like it. It's for cycle breakers and it's. That's exactly what we covered today. It's helping them find out some of their triggers when they happen, what to be on the lookout for. It's like we said, being intentional with those little steps. Yes. So it's a really mini workbook. They can go download it for free at www. raiz parenting. org. Forward slash freebie. So that's our F R E E B I E. I know you'll have those links and everything for them, but I like to spell it out for folks because I'm that person.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

I love it when people spell out things. Trust me. Yes, it's so easy. Yes. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for providing that to my listeners. And I'll make sure to share it in the show notes for anyone who prefers to just click on the link.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes,

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Yes, yes. Well, Jocelyn, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. Like all of this truly resonates with me and I'm sure with So many mamas out there and, and I think our bodies deserve to just be USA, like it really matters, you know, we just got to be USA. That should be on the t shirt.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, we'll trademark it. We got it.

jessica_1_10-02-2024_201442:

Well, thank you, Jessalyn. I really appreciate it.

jocelyn-flores_1_10-02-2024_181443:

Yes. Thank you so much for having me and goodbye to everybody