Viva la Mami

110. [Replay Episode] Rekindling Sex and Intimacy Post-Baby with Ana Lopez from Sex in Spanglish

• Jessica Cuevas • Season 4 • Episode 110

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In this replay episode, we're sharing a preview of our conversation with Ana Lopez from Sex in Spanglish, leading up to our exciting upcoming Viva La Mami Collective event this month!

🎯 Featured Event - Deseos & Placer: Reclaiming Your Desires

Join us for a FREE virtual workshop!

  • 📅 Date: Monday, February 10th
  • ⏰ Time: 7 PM Central Time
  • 📍 Location: Zoom
  • 💝 Cost: FREE!

Register for the Workshop Here

Ask your 🔥🔥 questions anonymously to Ana before the workshop!

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode110

Episode Highlights

In this preview, Ana discusses:

  • The importance of expecting and preparing for changes in intimacy after having a baby
  • Understanding the grief period that new parents experience when transitioning to parenthood
  • Common reasons why partners may not want to have sex after baby
  • The significance of addressing painful sex and seeking professional help
  • Breaking cultural taboos around discussing sexual health and intimacy

Want to dive deeper? Listen to these full episodes:

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Hola, hola, amiga. In today's episode, I am going to replay part of an episode that will be so fitting with one of the upcoming Viva La Mami collective events this month. We welcome Ana Lopez from Sex and Spanglish, who has been on the show twice. Ana is a proud Latina, a distinguished sexologist, certified sex and life coach, and a keen smut fan. Consultant, drawing from her rich background in therapy and coaching, she dedicates her life to sexually liberating women, especially within the Latina community, by challenging the sex negative narratives. Transcripts that overshadow our natural desire for pleasure. Through her business, Sex in Spanglish, Ana aims to provide culturally relevant sex education that not only addresses the individual's needs and values, but also encourages open discussions about sex, much like our favorite cheesemess. The reason why I'm replaying part of this episode is to entice you into signing up for our upcoming virtual workshop, Deseos en Placer, Reclaiming Your Desires. It will be held on Monday, February 10th at 7 p. m. Central Time via Zoom. And the best part? It is completely free. Ana has agreed to join us for an hour of discussion and essentially create an intimate evening of self discovery and reconnection. You'll get to learn to prioritize your pleasure in this judgment free space created specifically for Latina moms. This interactive session will guide you through understanding and expressing your authentic desires. She will also offer practical strategies for prioritizing your pleasure. She'll also have interactive exercises for self discovery and creating a foundation for open communication, especially if you have a partner. At the end of this workshop, you're going to take away some tools to break free from cultural taboos as well. The link to join this free virtual workshop is provided in the show notes, as well as an anonymous question box so that you can ask your diehard questions, and Ana will answer them anonymously during the workshop. I think it's so important for moms to prioritize their pleasure and desires because we can't lose track of ourselves and our priorities. And I get it. I was once there, especially during the postpartum period. But know that it all takes small steps to get to where we want to be. At the end, we want to be happy mommies. And yes, research shows the more sex you have, the happier you are. Our bodies, minds, and souls deserve it. And if you want to find solutions and bettering your sex life by prioritizing your pleasure and desire, then join us this upcoming Monday. All right. Well, here's a short replay of my last conversation with Ana Lopez, but if you want to listen to the full episode, I will share it in the show notes as well. Remember mommy, our pleasure really matters.

Jessica:

Hola. Hola, Ana. Welcome back. How are you? Thanks. I'm good. How are you? Good. Thank you. Thanks so much for being here again. You were with us back in episode 19, and we kind of talked in general about how to bring your sex life back, but I think this is a very important topic as we delve deep on how to rebuild and rekindle, really, your sex life. after having a baby. I think many new moms specifically struggle with this because they go through so many emotional, physical changes during the postpartum period. And one of the most important aspects of this is kind of like rebuilding that connection and intimacy back with your partner. And And yeah, so thank you so much for being here. Can you kind of tell us any updates about you since our past episode to our listeners?

Ana:

Yeah, definitely. So, um, I started my dissertation. I think actually the last time we talked, I had like just just started. So now I'm in like, I guess the second semester. Um, and so my focus, I've kind of like solidified that focus. It's always been about like Latino women and sex, but really the question that I will be asking in terms of my research question is, What does it mean to be Latina and also a sexual being? Um, and the process is going to look like interviewing Latinas all over the States. So I'm super excited about that. Um, so maybe I'll be interviewing some of your listeners. That's super exciting. Um, what else? Oh, I'm also doing consulting now. So I'm working with authors who write sex scenes, um, to help them write better sex scenes that aren't boring. Right? So oftentimes when we think of like, It's politically correct or whatever. It can be very boring, but I don't think that it has to be. Um, and because writers are creatives, I think they just need like. My, my expertise with their creation, um, or their creative side is, it's really fun to do.

Jessica:

That is awesome. And I'm assuming that for the most part, these stories, like, you know, like books or what have you are more so like white centric, right?

Ana:

Like, a lot of them are, um, there are like up and coming, like more diverse, um, Yeah. more diverse like authors and people writing more diverse, which is super exciting to see. Um, so now I'm just trying to get it to be more sex positive, which is where I come in.

Jessica:

That's great. That's awesome. Well, that is exciting. Congrats on that. That is really helpful to definitely give a different perspective for sure. Yes, yes. Well, let's talk about the reality really when a lot of parents go through really like everything changes and especially when you have a baby like nothing will be the same. You know, everything changes, even the household that you once created, it's all going to change and structures and all of that. So how can new parents really change? Absolutely. Absolutely. Expect these changes, especially when it comes to their intimacy.

Ana:

Yeah. So I love that you said, like, how can they expect these changes? And I think like, that's part of the answer, right. Is like expecting it to happen. Because what I see oftentimes happening is like someone is pregnant and they're just like, Oh yeah, like we're going to be like, we're pregnant and we're going to have a baby and all this. And that's great. But we don't think about like, what is life going to be like after the baby comes? Right? Like, our entire world changes, essentially. And a lot of people, a lot of parents, don't think about that. Um, I, what I notice is that people are very, like, baby centered. Which makes sense, right? Like, you're bringing a baby into the world that, like, needs to be fed and bathed and all of that. But we almost, like, forget that, like, that has an impact on our household, like you mentioned, right? It has an impact on our relationship. It has an impact even on our relationships with ourselves, right? Because there's like less time and things like that. And so really just expecting that to happen rather than assuming that you're going to bring a baby home and everything's going to be like it was like 10 months ago. Right. Um, so that expectation piece, I also have like. I think it's a really, like, unique, I guess, view on this, is that I think that new parents go through a grieving period. And I know that sounds really weird, because Like, we're like, Oh, we're bringing a baby into this world and everything's exciting. Right. And we're just like, Oh, it's like, I don't know. Promote us everywhere, whatever. Right. But we, we don't allow like as, and when I say we, I say like as a society, like we don't talk about like this grief period. Right. Like the relationship that you once had, especially for like first time parents, if there was like no children in the home and now you have a baby, right. Like your relationship dynamic changes. The household dynamic changes, right? Like the ability, maybe you really like to go out to like concerts or shows or go on trips or whatever. And like, not to say that you can't, there's change. And anytime there is big change, there is a grief period. And I think that we often focus on grief as just like, oh, someone died. But, like, your previous life kind of died, right? Not that you can't bring some of those things back into this new, like, this, quote unquote, new life. But, like, it's never going to be the same again. In the same way that a mother's body is not going to be the same again, right? Even if you didn't bring a baby home for whatever reason, right? Maybe you had a miscarriage, maybe you had an abortion, like, whatever. Your body still changed. And so allowing yourself to grieve that body, I think we might've touched on that and in the last episode as well, right? Allowing yourself to like grieve that body because your body changed and you're learning your body almost. All over again because it looks different. I have a friend that I want to say like a little over one now. And she was like, I feel like I'm learning to walk again. She was like, I don't walk the same anymore. And I'm trying to figure out how to walk in a way that's normal for me. And so even those really like nuance things, um, just allowing yourself to like, yes, be excited. You. You brought a baby home. And also there's a grieving period that needs to happen.

Jessica:

Yes. Thank you for sharing that. I think we definitely need to normalize that it is okay to grieve our past life. And oftentimes we struggle with that. It's like, all of a sudden you have to be on mom mode 100%. And yes, great. But it's almost like you're kind of ignoring your Past life, right? Like, you know, and I think that with all of these changes and transitions, a lot of people struggle with that, especially in the identity piece, because they feel like they should kind of. start anew. And it's like, no, you can always bring back your past life with your new life, or you can always look back and, you know, just like grieve it. And, and it is okay. Um, so thank you for normalizing that. Cause it is very important, especially coming from you who works with so many people on how they can, you know, uh, Be sexual beings and, and bring back their, their sex lives. Right. And so what do you think are the main, kind of like three to four reasons, uh, based on your clients and people that you work with? What are some of the reasons why a partner may not want to have sex after baby?

Ana:

Yeah. Oh my gosh. So many reasons like flooded into my brain. Yeah. So I guess the most common one that I would see, or that I do see is that, They are like having issues in terms of like their body, right? So this happens and like I almost feel like these are like two different reasons. So one is like a body image, right? It's like not really fully embracing the body that you know have and I think that we kind of touched on that in the last episode as well right of like engraving your old body, learning to love your new body, getting familiar with it. And the reality is it's just different. And so again, we go into this expecting to be like, everything's going to be the same, but like, that's actually not how that works. Even if you get to like, Pre baby weight or whatever, like your body is not the same. And so really, it's a process of like learning your body again, just like you're learning your baby and your baby's moods and your baby's cries and like all of that. Like you need to relearn your body as well. And so that's a part of it. The other part, I think, is really just like the healing process. I notice a lot of women that give birth do not prepare ahead of time. So they prepare ahead of time for like everything baby. But there's little to no preparation done for like you, right? Like you are also healing. And so getting those support systems in place, if that's available to you, right? Um, figuring out what is it that you might need and having those things on hand and ready, like having a plan for yourself. To support you in the healing process. Because what happens is women get home from the hospital or, you know, wherever they, the birthing center, wherever. And they're like, Oh, I actually like need help and not just help with the baby. Like I need help caring for myself. And then it's, and then you have to use like your brain that is also now like. Brain fog, you know, new mom brain, you try to salute, find solutions to problems and it's like, let's use your brain when it's like, hasn't just gone into labor, right? Really planning that ahead of time. And I know that may not sound helpful for people that are like, well, I already had the baby, so now what, but really just use AI if you want, right. Or Google something. And it may be things that you. Sound really like weird, but it could even just be like, I don't know, having water bottles at the side of your bed or, you know, having ice packs ready in the freezer or whatever it is, and it's really just about like having that planned. Um, I feel like I'm giving solutions. You asked for problems, but, um, let's see. What else do I see? A lot of people were touching. Um, is another thing. Um, so especially for breastfeeding moms, like feeling over touched, over stimulated, um, so I feel like. Those are the same thing and not at the same time. So sometimes it's over stimulation in terms of like noise and stuff like that. And for some people it's over stimulation in terms of touch. So I would say those are like the three most common.

Jessica:

Yeah, I can definitely relate to, you know, those reasons why. You wouldn't want to have sex after baby, like, you know, your body is going through so many changes and that, and also like your emotions, you know, your, your mindset is not fully there. And I actually asked my listeners, um, on Instagram about what were some of the reasons why you didn't want to have sex after baby. And many said that it was because baby was a priority. Um, but also they were afraid that they were going to experience pain. And I thought that was interesting, you know, with that. And that was my perspective too. Although the majority of my listeners said that they had sex within the clearance, um, whether if it was a six week or eight week clearance mark, um, Which is interesting because we have these assumptions that it's going to be painful, but then again, we do it within the, after the six week recovery period. Yeah. Which was my case, right? It's like, your doctor says after six weeks, like, go ahead, you can do it. And then I did. And I was like, no, this isn't, no. Like I. Yeah, for me, I did experience pain and I thought that I was like, I thought that I was never going to have sex because I thought that this was the new normal. And then it wasn't until I spoke up and that's when I was recommended to go to physical therapy. And if it wasn't for me, like advocating for myself, I probably would have had painful sex for a long, long time, you know, and this was before my second baby was born. And so. When I was pregnant the second time around, I, I went to PT, you know, I, I saw a pelvic floor specialist and that way to prepare my body. And even after, you know, during the postpartum period, I also went, um, through physical therapy as well. And, but oftentimes in our culture, I feel like we don't talk about these things that we'll see, you know, sex is already taboo. And we already don't talk about our bodies, and it's interesting, many women that I know, at least in my family, they see that peeing is normal after having a baby. Painful sex, especially, is normal. And I just often wonder, and I don't know if you want to give me your two cents about this, but considering these reasons, right, like, do you think that that can impact your relationship with your partner and overall your sex life and satisfaction?

Ana:

Yeah, I think it definitely can, particularly, like, I mean, depending on, like, the pain level and pain tolerance, like, you may just end up avoiding sex. And for some people, they're like, yeah, I just avoid it because it's painful. So I'm just kind of turned off by it. But I think a lot of times it ends up happening like subconsciously, like your your libido or desire just kind of starts like tapering off. Because your your brain is and your body is trying to get you to avoid something that is painful, right? The purpose of your brain is really just to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It's like oh this thing is painful Well, let's just like not produce hormones that are going to get you to want to have sex So you just avoid sex right? And so it's like Your brain is trying to help you, but then you're like, Oh, well, now I don't want to have sex. And a lot of women are left wondering why. And that could be partially why. And I want to like reiterate this. I probably said it five million times in the last episode as well. But like sex should not be painful ever. Like that is not that that is an indication that something is wrong and unfortunately, I can't just like give a one answer of what that could be. Um, but I'm so glad that you were able to go and see a pelvic floor therapist. I recommend that for everyone, mom or not, like where you are, like in terms of like postpartum, even going while you're pregnant, right? It can really help with the labor process. And even if like you never want to have sex again, you never want to have a baby again, pelvic floor health is super important. If you don't want to be peeing your pants when you're like 70 years old, like you need to go see a pelvic floor therapist.

Jessica:

Yes, thank you for mentioning that. I think it's definitely important. And when it comes to like the over simulation and just like going through all of these emotional, like really an emotional roller coaster, based on your experience, what is kind of like your recommendations when a woman really wants to a new mom wants to, but for some reason, all of these factors are coming in, and they don't end up having you. sex, you know, with their partner.

Ana:

Yeah, definitely. So I would say once you realize like, oh, I'm not wanting to have sex, but like I want to have sex, like I want to want to have sex, right? Um, that is, you should seek professional support, whether that means, you know, going to do a therapist, whether that means like going to a sex coach, coming to me, right? Like, Whatever that means, um, but oftentimes I see women and I even see this in like people that don't have children, right? They wait so long and they're just like, oh, well, I couldn't find a solution when in reality, they weren't really looking They were just kind of googling maybe things that I can buy or like different positions that I can try and things like that And it's like if you had like let's say some type of like illness in your body Right? And actually, I think we also do this is we're like, Well, what do I have? Maybe it's allergies. Maybe it's a cold. And we try to like, figure it out, instead of just going to the doctor and being like, Hey, these things are happening. It's been going on for a month. And I don't know what's going on. And getting like professional help, because we can identify your problem so much sooner than you can. I would say probably nine times out of ten, my clients come to me telling me that their problem is one thing, and it's something entirely different. And they're like, oh, well, why didn't I think of that before? I'm like, because this isn't your expertise. And so I would say, if you notice that there's a problem, seek support, right? And if you're not sure, like, what type of support that you need, like, feel free to DM me, because sometimes it means coming to a sex coach or like a sex therapist. Sometimes that means like going to the doctor or sometimes it's just a matter of like drinking more water or something, right? Like depending on what your problem is, but I'm happy to send well in the right direct in the right direction because I think that's very Confusing and overwhelming as well. It's like I have this issue but like Who do I see? There's a million people that I can see and you know, it, it can cost a lot of money if you're continually trying to go and damage, right? Like trying to go to places that aren't necessarily solving your problem, but I'm more than happy to help people figure out like what that could look like.

Jessica:

Hmm. Yeah. Thanks for offering that. I think it's very important, especially within our cultura too, right? Like, like I said, and I always say this, that por si we don't talk about our bodies, you know, sex is so taboo, like it's literally behind closed doors and you gotta solve it and fix it on your own. And it's like, well, how do people really learn about, like, different positions, you know? Like, I guess Google can help and stuff or, but, yeah, it makes me wonder, like, If we don't talk about our bodies or we didn't grow up about literally having the sex talk, right? Like I had a super G rated version of it, you know, it, it was mostly because to prevent pregnancy, that that was the whole reason why, you know, why I had the talk. And so, yeah, like considering our society Latinas, how do we kind of. Put ourselves in this sort of liberation, if you will, you know, about our desire, considering that we grew up not really understanding what we would desire, you know, as adults or, you know, once we are sexual beings, right. Um, and how does that really impact once you go through this postpartum period?

Ana:

Yeah, definitely. So I think it starts by recognizing it's going to sound easier than it is an actual application, but it's really just acknowledging that like you have desire in the first place. I think what stops a lot of people is like they have low libido, right? So they have like no like physical desire to have sex, but they have like a mental desire, right? So they're like, I want to want to have sex. But I'm just like not feeling it, but then so they acknowledge that right or they think it like in their head And then the shame comes in right? It's like, oh my gosh, I want sex. What does that mean about it? What what does that mean about me like it went so like all of this stuff, right? And it's really like that is normal like it is normal to want to have sex and so just reminding yourself of that of like This is normal. Um for some people like that thought is very helpful for some people They're like, but what if it's not and then they get an argument with their brain So you can even just ask yourself the question like but what if this is normal if you logically know like oh This is normal, but I was told otherwise right it can really bring in like a lot of cognitive dissonance, right? You're like why I believe this one thing But like, I heard this other thing my whole life, right? I heard it was wrong, I heard it was dirty or bad or whatever my whole life, but I actually don't believe that. Really just give it, like, asking yourself a powerful question such as like, well, what if it is normal? Well, what if this is okay? Or whatever that looks like can really be powerful. You don't even have to answer it. Just pose the question and just leave it at that. And eventually, your brain is going to start answering that question because our brain loves to solve problems. So really asking powerful questions, I call them leading questions, right? Questions that are posed in a way that are going to get you the answer that you want. So if you want to believe that this is normal and that like nothing is wrong with you, which is often the thought that my clients have, like there's something wrong with me, but like when your brain offers you these thoughts that are creating shame around you or like guilt or like you're going to get in trouble or whatever it is, like, But what if nothing's wrong with me?

But

Ana:

what if this isn't a problem? It'd be really powerful.

Jessica:

Yeah, yeah, that is awesome. Thank you for sharing that. I think our brain is so powerful, and we get to dictate it, right? Yeah, so I, I

Ana:

would like to mention that. Yeah, because I think we often let our brain run the show. When, like, sure, it's running all, like, if I want to move my arm, and you know, whatever. But, like, And in terms of thinking, like you get to tell your brain what to think. It's like a computer, but we don't utilize that to our advantage.

Jessica:

Interesting. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that perspective. I never thought of that really.

well amiga, you listened to the first 20 minutes of my conversation with Ana Lopez. But if you want to listen to the full episode, please see the show notes. And that way you get to listen to episode 67 on rekindling sex and intimacy post baby. All right, amiga, as always, thank you so much for listening and I'll catch you in the next episode.