Viva la Mami - Latina Motherhood, Modern Parenting, Latina Well-Being
Latina motherhood is a complex journey, interwoven in two identities that often make us feel ni de aquí, ni de allá (not from here, not from there). However, Viva la Mami® is committed to providing Latina moms, allies, and professionals who support Latina moms with the knowledge and tools to further identify and understand the challenges and triumphs of Latina motherhood.
Join Jessica Cuevas as we discuss culturally relevant topics that will help inform and empower Latina moms in whichever season they are in on their motherhood journey. We'll be joined by Latina moms, experts, and professionals who can offer advice, practical tips, relatable stories, and honest conversations.
This podcast will cover an array of topics that is geared toward the modern Latina mom that will empower you to find balance between tradition and progress. Bring your cafecito as we all create honest conversations and share the complexities about madrehood.
Viva la Mami - Latina Motherhood, Modern Parenting, Latina Well-Being
129. Breaking Generational Cycles Through Restorative Parenting with Alex Fernandez
In this Father's Day episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Alex Fernandez, an educator and father who's been working in Chicago Public Schools for 17 years. As someone who works at my son Diego's school and presented on restorative practices, Alex brought such valuable insights about intentional parenting from the Latino dad perspective. Our conversation really resonated with me, especially as we discussed the challenge of breaking generational cycles while honoring our cultural roots.
For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode129
What You'll Hear:
- Why "what are you modeling?" is the most important question we can ask ourselves as parents
- How to validate our children's feelings while still maintaining boundaries
- Balancing traditional Latino values with intentional parenting approaches and handling family criticism
- Why therapy and personal growth are essential, plus how modeling accountability changes everything
Resources Mentioned:
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we have to start thinking about just treating our kids like humans, but that doesn't mean like we're treating them as our equals. Right? And that's the thing about when we talk about being Latino and bringing some of like my mom's methods and kind of what I've learned, but combining them, you know? And I think that's where some of us who had a strict upbringing maybe even have an upper hand. Because here's the next thing is like this idea of what we call gentle parenting. Gentle parenting when not done correctly, basically just raises a brat
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Ado, and I'm gonna put it out there. Maybe it's a hot take. But what happens is gentle parenting. When you're trying to talk to a kid and they're screaming and yelling, In the beginning, it's gonna take two hours. After five minutes, we're like, are you okay? It's okay. Just talk about your feelings. It's okay. And then we leave it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Well, now we're just being permissive. Like we're not addressing the emotion. We're not separating the emotion from the behavior. We're not modeling how to work through those things. We are not showing them that there are rules. I teach and raise my kids. I raise them and teach them for the world that I want them to be in. I.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:But when they leave the house, I also teach them to live in the world we're actually in. And those are two different things,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Ola. Alex, how are you?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Hola. Good. I'm good. How are you doing this morning? I,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:I am great. As long as I have a cup of coffee, I feel great.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah, me too. I understand that. I think all par, all parents understand that.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Well, I wanna thank you for taking the time to be here. I know you as an educator and just like someone that is very involved in the community as well in the, in the school specifically. Being that you you work at my son's school, which is amazing. And so you presented on a session about restorative practices and parenting, and I'm like, I need to have Alex on the show because everything that you shared really resonated with me, but especially coming from the Latino perspective and the father perspective, really wanted you to be here so that you can share your experiences and. Kind of like your background as well and your transition into this especially once you became a dad. So
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Absolutely.
Jessica:Father's Day episode I am really excited to bring the Latino dad perspective, uh, because it's so important, uh, especially for those who are raising children who, where we are intentional in breaking generational cycles. Right? So before we delve into the conversation, I would love for you to introduce yourself. If you can tell our listeners a little bit more about your background, your family, and everything in between.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Absolutely. Uh, and I think it kind of all ties into, you know, my philosophy being in education. It all has to do with my background from how I was raised to school, to work to everything. And so, yeah. So. My, I think the big thing is I'm first generation, you know, uh, my dad's from Cuba. He came over in 1980, uh, Mariel, you know, Mariel boat lift. And then my mom, uh, is from Mexico. She's from, uh, and they met here in Chicago. And so I think that's, you know, I think that's a key component of, of my, like I said, how I deal with kids and, and even my own children. And so I was born in Chicago and you know, we lived here for a while and then we kind of moved, and then when I was around five, we moved to the Northwest suburbs, we moved to Desplaines. And then, you know, I lived there and then I went to Northeastern, uh, university for my undergrad. And then I went to, eventually got my master's in, you know, educational leadership. But I taught in Little Village, which is a predominantly Latino neighborhood in Chicago. And I taught there for eight or nine years and I loved it, you know, but. Eventually I wanted to kind of move into administrative work. And so I, I did leave and then I have been a dean now for nine years. So in total I've been in Chicago public schools for 17 years. And then even before that I was a camp counselor for like eight years, you know, so overnight camp and all that kind of stuff. So there's that, you know, my professional side. Uh, but then the personal side, I do have two children of my own. Uh, I have a 4-year-old Violeta, and then I have a one and a half year old named Felix. Yeah. And so, you know, I think those, I think all those different components, you know, my personal components and the uh, professional ones combined have kind of shaped my philosophy and just how even I deal personally with my kids.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah. No, I love that. I love that. First of all, you come from an education background, so you and the fact that you have been with children, right? You understand their experiences. You are more empathetic, you know, to as to why they do the things that they
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah, when I talk about the camps and stuff, you know, because people are like, well, why do you always mention camps? And I'm like, honestly, for me, as an educator, uh, those early days when I was taking those pedagogy, you know, those college courses at the same time, I was an overnight, you know, I was doing camps in the summer. And, and the thing is, I, I was like, I, I tell people, I'm like the Jane Goodall of teenagers because when you're at a camp, you live among them. You're in the cabin. So, you know, I think some people, they go, they get their degree and then they kind of jump in the classroom. But while I was studying a lot of these. Like I said, the pedagogy and the theories and stuff, I was pr, I was applying'em, you know, I, I cracked a couple eggs. But being at the camp, you know, you're with the kids constantly, you really start to learn and get to know how they interact and stuff. And so, you know, I think that that was a, definitely a, where this whole journey, you know, kind of kicked off, you know.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah. That's awesome. I love it. And especially as you as first gen, you have a unique perspective. You, I think you could be more understanding towards other, uh, students who also come from that background, right, who are first generation. And as someone who is a product of CPS, myself, the Chicago Public Schools. I was able to tell who was understanding of my lived experiences versus those that were not. And that made a huge impact in terms of connecting with educators that really understood where I came from. Like, you know, why is it that I don't know certain systems, uh, and why I didn't have the capital compared to other peers? And so that is such a huge piece and component when you're thinking about, you know, why is it that some students make certain decisions or, you know, why do they react a certain way versus others? And, and yeah, that makes a huge difference.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Absolutely. I think a lot of times people don't take into perspective the whole student, you know? And so I do bring that up. So, you know, going to school and displays, you know, I'm grateful for it and it gave me a lot of opportunities. But at the same time, you know, at least at that time, there were not tons of Latinos, in, in elementary school or middle school, high school, a little bit more. But even then it was definitely, you know, that's kind of where my journey also in my identity and just, you know, Latina, that. You know, quote unquote Latin dad, you know, am I Latino enough? But that's where it began because, you know, I was either, and I know a lot of people experience this, either not, you know, Latino enough for the Latinos or two Latino for the Whites and Caucasians. And so it was just kind of code switching is what it's now I know it's a skill at the time. I'm like, oh man, oh man. But now I know it's an actual skill called code switching, right? Being able to have that ability to go between both worlds, both cultures, languages, slang, everything. Right? Even, you know, and so, it bringing that now to my career and just realizing like, yeah, you know, you see a kid and, and you realize there's a lot more to that kid, you know, there's a lot more depth and there's so many things that are affecting them and what's going on
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. Oh, wow. Yeah, and we're definitely gonna delve into that. But more so on the parent perspective.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:For sure.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:So as an educator and a dad, could you share your journey into restorative practices? And first of all, what is that?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Sure.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:is restorative
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. So, you know, restorative practices aren't just it, it's not just for education really. If we want to take it to this next level of why I, I became a dean and started becoming interesting in this, you know, we have to, you know, we have to be frank, right? And unfortunately, there's a disproportionate number of of people of color, especially males prison, you know, it's what we call that pipeline, the, the school to prison pipeline, right? And so, you know, the last 30 years, I would say more or less, there's been a lot of research and just work on how do we prevent that, you know? And so restorative practices began, kind of began of how do we use, different theories and philosophies to get to the root cause of a behavior, right? We know that these things are happening. But instead of we're just gonna lock someone up and do that let's actually get to the root cause. Let's give them help. Let's, let's help rehabilitate, right? Well taking that and it's like, okay, well let's really get to the root then. Well, the root is what kind of foundation, educational foundation are they getting? What kinds of supports? So taking that philosophy of restorative practices or the idea of getting to the root cause of something or focusing on rehabilitation. You take it and you apply to school. So that's kind of a little bit of background on, on this term, restorative practices. In terms of my journey, I really feel like there's maybe three or four kind of milestones or keytones for me. You know, as I was thinking about it, and I think the first thing is my own growth. And so, and I know we can delve into that more.'cause a lot of people ask me like, okay, my kid is always doing this and they're doing that. Or like, you know, what's the secret? What's the magic wand? There's no magic wand. But it starts with you and people hate hearing that. And the thing is, I'm not talking like a five minute, like, oh, well okay, I'm gonna do this because no, I'm talking therapy. I'm talking lifelong reflection. Right? And so for me, even before I knew what restorative practices were, or even before I knew what education was, you know, when I was starting college and in high school it, a lot of it was just like, man, my parents talked to me this certain way, or this is how we communicated. I don't like that it was me in my relationships, my college, you know, high school girlfriends being defensive all the time and realizing, oh, I'm defensive. Because in my household, when we would argue, it wasn't about uh, coming with a solution, it was about how can I hurt that other person? So at home we model our communication styles. We model how to have an argument. And so then you know, me on myself, just thinking about in my interactions with my wife and getting to the root cause of why do, why am I defensive? Why do I, you know, automatically try to turn things and, and blame her and why, you know, why do these things happen? So that's one component. Even before I knew I was doing it, or before I would call it restorative practices, I've, you know, I've always been trying to reflect to better myself. Right? That's the first component.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:I think another, the second keystone. When I was a high school teacher in Little Village, I did this curriculum. Uh, I was a social science teacher, but once a week I would do what we call like a social emotional learning or, you know, uh, a curriculum that focuses on, once again, the whole student, like their, their wellbeing. Right? And so this particular coincidentally enough, it was like a, it was about podcasting, right? But it wasn't really about podcasting. It was about listening. And the key, key thing being whether it's a kid or an adult or your spouse, is that listening is not the same as hearing. You can hear a sound, but listening is the processing of that, right? And so when I would do this class with the kids, I would kind of, it was a prepackaged lesson, I would do it. But then I sat there and I started like actually participating, and then I started opening up about my background, right? With the kids. And then what I realized was the putting in the time that once a week, you know, it wasn't social science, it wasn't what I was doing the rest of the week, but on Fridays doing that, the other four days, those students were ready to do what I asked them. And it's because we made that connection. And so that kind of clicked.'cause then I'm like, okay, there's something to focusing on the root cause there's something to taking time out and just talking to the kids and making that connection. Them seeing me as human, me seeing them as human, and then making connections and then tying it to that first component of my own reflection. Because it was literally through that teaching that class that I started my own growth as to why I was, how I was in my relationships, the importance of listening the importance of sometimes not speaking
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:right. How many of us. When we're in a discussion and argument, we already know what we're gonna say. Well, how can you already know what you're gonna say if you're not, you know, I did improv for a while in Chicago and I loved it. Even that, right? I learned like, you have to listen. You, you may have an idea for the scene, but that does not matter. Like, you can still honor it and do it, but how are you gonna meld it with what the other person's saying, right? And so I think that was the second keystone. That's where things started to connect as an educator in the early days, right? So, fast forward, I become an administrator and, you know, I was trying to be, I wanted be a dean or some kind of, you know, quote unquote disciplinarian. And so in those early days, I did a duke, I went to a lot of different trainings, and that's when I really jumped into the swimming pool. And what I noticed was there was some discipline professional developments, and I'm like, okay. I was really getting into the social emotional ones. I was really, you know, as a dean, obviously I've learned a lot from the principal and assistant principal. They are probably the best administrators I've ever met. Right. But in terms of the restorative component, one of the best just teachers or people I ever had, it was a social worker. And she had done it for like 30 years. And I learned so much from her in terms of mental health and the whole student and getting to the root cause of why things happen, right? And so, it was through there that I learned about peace circles. You know, that's a way to to deescalate a situation, right? I learned about restorative conversation. So restorative practices is the umbrella that everything falls under all these different theories and strategies you can use to, to get to the whole story. Child, right, to help them. Uh, but restorative conversations is even more specific way of how do you speak to a kid? How do you get to the root cause? And so you mix that all in, you know, you mix it from my reflection on my own life mix with my professional aspects, mix with, you know, the training and then practice. I mean, you know, the one thing is, you know, I'm, I, I think I'm pretty humble and like, I, I'm not, I'm just a guy, I'm just a dad who happened to be in the right place at the right time, who kind of went into this career. And I, all, I've had, the only difference between me and anyone else is, is I've practiced, like I'm con 17 years I've been in education, you know, I've probably, I, you know, hundreds if not, you know, little over thousands of kids. So I get, I've had practice, so it doesn't mean I'm better at it. I just trust me. I've had more practice. And with my own kid, that all goes out the window, right. So,'cause like I said, I'm just a guy that had, but trust me, there are days where I'm like, I get real old school and, you know, I'm like, well, where's my chala? And like, you know, so the thing is, but that's what growth is, is it's, it's taking ownership and knowing your flaws and then going from there.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of the, so what I often say here on the podcast and really through my platform, is that there's this shame and guilt, right? We feel guilty of doing all of the things that we are doing against our kids, We just wanna be the perfect mom. We wanna be the perfect parent. But in reality, we are also healing in this process because it does take a lot of reflection on the way that we grew up, on the way that we were modeled really after the adults in our families. And it, it, it's such a process. I have never been so triggered in my life I had kids. And that's when I'm like, wow. And I've always, I always used to say like, I had a perfect childhood. I had such a great childhood. And yes, I would say that yes I did. But in terms of when I encounter certain situations with Diego specifically, who is four, we, I, I just don't realize how triggered I get and then I reflect and I'm like, wow. It's because my mom used to scream at me. That's why I get triggered whenever Diego screams at me
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:and, and it's not because my mom would say it in a disciplinary way. I just think my mom yells a lot
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:yeah,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:and with all the noise and it, it is overstimulating and I just don't know how
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:and I
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:My.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:by it.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:You know, I was telling you that my dad's Cuban, so like, and when I'm on the phone, people, you know, we speak Spanish and people are like, why are you arguing? And I'm like, I'm not, we're just talking, we're not arguing. What do you mean? Why are we, you know what I mean? And so I totally get that. You know, to your point, I think the thing is you know,'cause I was thinking back on what you're saying right now, and, and when I was doing the presentation, and, you know, I always open the presentation with when parents ask me, so, you know, if, if people are taking notes, right? If, if there's one thing you remember from this entire podcast or you know, this entire conversation, write this down, tattoo it on your forearm, write it on the inside of your kaa, you know, do what you need to, but what are you modeling? That's it. At the end of the day, you know, when you're driving and someone cuts you off, how do you react when you are talking to your partner? How are you speaking to them when you are mad about something, a sports game, right? You're losing it because your team is losing. Well, if that's how you act for a sport, you know what you're teaching your kid is like, little problems. We should react big, right? Or when we get angry, this is how should we should react. And, and so I think that's the number one thing is your kids are always watching and listening even when you don't think they are. You know, my son is one and a half and he, you know, if I say clothes in the hamper, clothes in the hamper, he takes the clothes and he puts it in the hamper, right? And then you know, I go, okay, help me feed Frankie. That's our dog. He, you know, opens. Or I help open the thing and he gets the little thing and you know, it's falling on the floor, the food, but he's doing it, you know. But once again, like I said, there are also days when I'm like, why are you crying? Like, do you not understand me? Stop. You know, that is not every day. And that's the thing is, you know, but at the end of the day, he's watching and seeing us. And so, you know, he loves to clean because he has his little toy broom and everything. Kids will repeat what you do. And that's the key thing if you take anything away from today is like, you're, you're even your anxieties, you know, that's the one thing that I've seen over the course of 17 years is that we pass our anxieties onto our kids and we don't even know it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:right.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so they then show those in school or they demonstrate it in other aspects of life. And so, you know, we model. And so since we do model, then I think the first step to trying to be the best parent you can. It's first, like you said, looking at yourself. When Violet was born, that's my oldest. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go to therapy. Like, you know, a lot of Latinos, you know, like all of us, we had the mentality of like, oh, you just, you know, uh, put your nose to the grindstone, do what you need to do, you know, et cetera, et cetera. You know? But the thing is, once I did that, it changed my outlook, it changed my path. And you know, so that's, the parenting starts with yourself
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:what are we modeling and are we in the right mindset to model? Right? Have we tried to heal? Have we really talked about those things? And, and try to really see why we do what we do.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right? Yes. Oh my gosh. And, and this is the hardest part about parenting, I
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yes.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:not the newborn phase. Like I think as soon as our kids. Have their personality when they build up their personality and are dealing with another person. And I always say that as parents, we're in this position of leadership, right? We're kind of like the managers of the household. And when you're dealing with different personalities, how do you go about their way, right? How, how can we meet somewhere in the middle, if you
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Mm-hmm.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:To try to resolve an issue to, you know, get to your point but also respect the their point as well. But it takes a lot of work and for many of us, we grew up in this more traditional, authoritarian type of parenting approach. And to be honest, it is so hard to break. And I appreciate you sharing how, like some days you're a respectful parent and other days you're
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Oh, I'm old school. Some days I'm old school, just straight up medieval and I'm just like, you're gonna sit in this chair and like, do not move. And like, you know,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:that's parenting, that's being a human. But once again, it goes back to the modeling because it's so, so this is the example I use is yes, I yell at my kid and yes, I lose it at her. And yes. You know, sometimes she'll start crying'cause she's like, oh my gosh. It's what we do afterwards. And that's the thing, people think that emotions are bad. Getting mad is not. A bad thing. And this is what we're, now, we're noticing more and more with a lot of kids, especially post COVID, is they don't know how to navigate their emotions. And as parents, when they start screaming or crying, we say, stop, you know, it's fine. Why do you crying about this and that? Or you know, relax, relax. And we pa but what we need to say is, Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's okay to be sad and you can even be mad and if you wanna stomp, stomp, but we're not gonna yell'cause that's just disrespectful. So now what I've done is I've taken the behavior and separated from the emotion. And that's one of the hardest things as a Latino, is because just the way, or, you know, and I don't wanna paint broad strokes, but like, in your more traditional families, right? That is a hard aspect where we kind of lump it all together and we're like, well, you know, emotions we have to be like, you know, real kind of controlled. And you know, now if you know. There's some Vicente playing in the background and some, you know, Kopa and stuff, then we can be emotional. But even that kind of thinking, you know, but I think that's, that's, that's the, uh, key component of it is, is it, it separating. So if, like I said, if you're making bullet points listening to this, I think another thing that I've learned just through experience is separating the emotion from the behavior
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:them it's okay. Because what we're doing is we're teaching them to push the emotion away. So now when we're not around and they have that feeling in their stomach, they're not gonna know how to handle it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:to walk them through, especially at that age, we have to walk them through the emotions and how to handle it. And then kind of going back to, so when I'm angry and I yell at her, all happen, but afterwards I apologize.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And that's the other thing I want to bring up when we talk about Latino parents and how we do things. So I, my, my wife and I have a joke. So with my mom, it's called, it's what I call the it's called the, the Dona Maria apology.'cause this is how my mom apologizes to me. Anytime we have an argument from when I, this is how she apologized, you know, I love you son, and, and you know, everything I do is because I love you. That's as much as an apology I'm gonna get. She's not gonna say, I am sorry.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:not gonna happen.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Nope.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:not gonna happen. Right?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:relevant.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:It's for your good. It's for your good. Okay. I get it, mom. You know, and I understand that. You know, even with her though, man, the stuff that she had to go through and to get here and her history, and I take that into account and I go, okay, like what was, what were her parents like?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:So, you know, taking that into consideration and stuff. And so, but yeah, I, I think that's another component of it is, is we have to apol, we have to be humans. I tell my daughter, I'm sorry or she'll come and say, I wanna play. And instead of just pushing her away, I'll be dead honest. I go, Hey, you know how sometimes you're tired after school right now, dad is like really tired and I know that if I play with you, I'm just get, I might get upset and it's not gonna be your fault, and I don't wanna do that. And so you just tell'em what you're feeling. And I think that's the other thing is we don't, you know, in, in a lot of traditional households, there's a hierarchy.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:and so, and in a sec, you know, we can talk about to like, you know, being. Restorative. You can still be stern. That's the thing though. And you, you don't just let your kids do what you want, but at the same time, you know, there has to be some understanding and we have to have compassion. We have to show them what do we do after we get mad? And what could we have done differently? Because once they see that you're human, then they understand, okay, these are normal feelings. Right? A lot of kids think their parents are superheroes, so when they feel it, they think they're messing up because we don't show them how the sausage is made,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so they need to see that. No, no, no, no. Like that's part of being human and this is what we do to, to resolve it. We have to show them that.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes. Oh, I love this. I love this. And then that comes in the expense of us like navigating this right? Where we are in a whole different generation and, and we are bicultural when you really think about it, right? Like there are aspects from our culture, our, the motherland that we're implementing in our parenting, but there's also this other aspect of, you know, the Americanized way. And, and so it makes it so hard that we we're doing so much work it is tiring.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:so what would you say for a mom who is trying to be very intentional, right? And being a respectful parent and. You know, uh, perhaps utilizing these practices, she perhaps receives criticism from family members and not just a mom. Right. It could be a dad, a parent who may view these approaches a little too permissive. Like, what, what would you say
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. So I think it goes back to, you know, in our journey to be a good parent, you're never gonna be the perfect parent, you know?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:You, you yourself, you just can't get to that. There is no, you can't be, it's human nature. You can be phenomenal parent, you know, ultimately it's your kids, your kids will let you know if you're the perfect parent, but we can't be the ones to, to kind of bestow that on ourselves. Right.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so, you know, with that being said, the first step though, in, in that journey, and I keep going back to this, is your own mental health.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so what I mean by that is you have to understand the people in your life. And sometimes family members may not be they, they just may not be healthy for you. And no one wants to hear that. And once again, I'm not a professional or anything, but that's where I'm saying go to a therapist. But what I will say though is we have to learn how to make those boundaries. That's one of the hardest things. And even more so, you know, and once again, and especially in some Latino communities, you know, it's a very tough thing.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:you know, the joke, once again, I, you know, I, I joke about my mom a lot. It's, it's how, it's how I process. No. So, but you know, once again, the thing that I joke with my, my, my wife is I go, oh man, I go, you know, my mom's gonna be a hundred. She's gonna live to be like a hundred or 150, but just because she's gonna do it outta spite, she's gonna live to be 150 so she can outlive her sisters. She's gonna do it outta spite, you know, and that's the joke I make is that like a la la Latina, like those old school, like, you know, Mexican moms live to be like real old because they're like, no. Like, there's just, so Ana Mar goes there, I'm, I'm, no, I'm just gonna stay alive. Because to make your life difficult, you know, it feels like that sometimes. Right? Well, what can you do? What can I do with someone like that? Right? And so, sometimes. And, and so that's why I don't wanna get, there's no magic answer because each family is different.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:But you have to go on that journey, talk to a professional, talk to someone that can help you figure out those boundaries. So some boundaries might look different. Like the way I do it is like, you know, with my mom, she might say. And so now to kind of go into more specifics, I'll use myself as an example. There are times where my mom will say something and I, I will say this, don't answer right away. You gotta do a, you gotta do the flow chart first, right? So in my brain, when my mom says something, the first thing I go is, is this worth mentioning or not? And then the second thing is, okay, what's her root cause? It's not just about our children. You know, I say modeling is important'cause it's the root cause. Why is your spouse or partner or you know, you know, why are they talking to you that way? Why are they saying this this way? Why is your kid do this? So the second thing I ask myself is I go, okay, what is this a part of? Is this part of her own experience? You know, you know, she's, my parents were old school in their aspect that like, yeah, my, my dad didn't necessarily give her flowers all the time or appreciate her, or, you know, those types of things. Right? And something in my head that really stuck as my mom would always be like,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:you know, when I was sick and stuff, your dad would never bring me a tea. And something about that burned in my brain and what that represents, right?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so I bring that up because I mean, I could go on, I mean hours, you know?'cause here's the thing is my dad worked nights. So until I was in the, until I was a freshman in high school. So from when I was born all the way up to when I was about 14 in the evenings, it was just me and my mom, you know, and I had an older brother, he was around, but it was my mom. So really everything I saw was through her.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And so, and I bring that up because, okay, to go to the question of when they bring that up, alright, so now my mom says something to me and I go, okay, is it worth bringing arguing? Is this tied to something that she's had to go through? And then lastly, you have to have a checklist of what's important to you. So I have like borders, right? And sometimes she may say something regarding like the way something my wife does, not in a mean way, but once again, just in that Latina, that nature way, the whole like, oh. You mean you want me to take that stuff down? But anytime it's something directed or something that's ancillary to my wife, I shut it down because that is a boundary that I've set. That's the one thing she won't do. Right. And sometimes she'll be like, oh, and I will just outright like, you know, I'll, I'll write, call it because I know I don't do it, you know, but I'm like, look, I'm a grown man that pays taxes. I put my own pants on, brush my own teeth. You know, like I have facial hair, like, so I. I think I've done pretty okay, mom. You know what I mean? And so sometimes you have to shut it down. And so, so I think it really is that checklist though. I think it's, it's, it's different for everyone. So you're gonna real, that's what it is, is setting boundaries. But that's gonna be different for different people. if there was a general answer, I would say that's kind of how, you know, if you do have a family member that is constantly critiquing you and constantly doing these things, you know, like it's just how much can you take? And, and I don't mean that in a, in a, like a di dismissive way. I mean it in a literal sense of, man, my mom, you know, and this, not my mom, but like in general, like, you have to ask yourself like, or dad or, or aunt or cousin or you know, whatever. Just that other person that's critiquing, you have to ask yourself what did they go through? And if you can just let it roll off your back, let it roll off your back. And if you can't, then maybe something needs to be said. But once again, you have to have the tools. You can't just, if you've never gone to therapy or you've never talked to someone, when they do that and you set your boundary, you're gonna just do it in the same old way that they did it and now you're just doing the cycle. So that's the, that's the asterisk is before you do that though, you have to have the right tools and you gotta get those from someone else, from an outsider.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And once again, I'm just a guy. Like I, I'm figuring it out. You know, here's the thing, I'm not a single parent. I'm have that stress.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:That's a saint, that's a whole other thing. And that's what I'm saying is everyone's journey is different. And it's so hard. And I know like, you know, it's about time. Like I, I am very blessed and so I'm able to access these things, but a lot of people don't have that. Right. And so, you know, it, it, maybe it just starts on asking yourself questions and going from there and like, you know, this is not a end all be all. There's some general things and hopefully people pick things up. But at the end of the day, you know, I always say that is like, I'm just, I'm just a dad. I've been in education, but I'm not a single parent or I'm not working two jobs, or, you know, it's easier said than done. And I think that's the big thing is as long as you love your kids, I think that's what's important. You know? But it, you know, this is all said from my perspective as like a man, as, as a male.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:who has a, you know, I have a, a master's degree. I, I have a family, you know, I have a partner that's there to support me, that I'm blessed. My mom is retired, she helps out. Like, so I'm also coming from a, you know, and, and I, that's the thing is we're all different. And so we're all on these different journeys, but I think it's just about trying to, you know, at least even if you can't do it professionally, at least try to think about why things are how they are. Because I will say before I ever went to therapy, I had already figured, like my therapist is like, wow, you have a lot of stuff that you've already kind of processed, right? And so I had to start making those connections on my own and being like, why am I so defensive in arguments? Why am I like this? Why am I like that? And so, you know, at least that component I think we can all do is just start reflecting on ourselves before we reflect on others or even our own, our, our own children.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. Yeah. One of the things that Alex, my husband and I about before having kids is like, what are some things that you don't wanna repeat in the way that you were parented? what are other things that you do wanna repeat, but perhaps modify Alex's family is very different than my family. His are very, like, are kind of coexisting, you keep things reserved to yourself. And for me, like my family we're very over I was like,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:overexpress ourselves and our feelings and we put everything out there on the table. And so it, it definitely becomes a different dynamic when once you do become a parent, but having at least those initial conversations and reflect on your past and what you wanna change, what you wanna implement, you know, it makes a big difference
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. The thing I always say too is that if, if you are blessed enough and you know, or, or you do have a partner that's helping you, you know, sometimes you gotta get, you gotta get your chocolate and their peanut butter and they have to get their peanut butter in your chocolate and then it's delicious, right? And so what I mean by that is, like my wife and I, you know, with our parenting styles, our backgrounds, her, her background is completely different, you know, and so finding that balance and, you know, it's only, you know, my daughter's five and I really feel like it's only been in the last year and a half that we finally found a balance, right? Because. We had to kind of, you know, like I, I feel like maybe I was a little too soft in the beginning and, because of wanting to do restorative practice, but more so because of my own fear of what if I open that door and then I let the ca you know, then I, I become this, you know? But then she was a little bit more strict, but she's a high school counselor. She doesn't work with little kids. And so over time we've really combined and now we have found this middle ground where we are stern, but fair. We just basically treat her like a human. Like,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:you know, like no one wants to be told what to wear. And that's an example I always use of like when we get mad and we make our kids wear what we want'em to wear. Right? Who cares? And this is why I say is it goes back to you're as an adult. Why do you really care what they wear? Because you don't wanna be embarrassed. The key word there being you,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:don't wanna be embarrassed. They're being you. You don't want to be able to pick their own outfit and that's where you teach
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:em those skills,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:right? And so we have to start thinking about like, you know, that's it. I think it's just treating our kids like humans, but that doesn't mean like we're treating them as our equals. Right? And that's the thing about when we talk about being Latino and bringing some of like my mom's methods and kind of what I've learned, but combining them, you know? And I think that's where some of us who had a strict upbringing maybe even have an upper hand. Because here's the next thing is like restorative practices. This idea of what we call gentle parenting. Gentle parenting when not done correctly, basically just raises a brat
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Ado, and I'm gonna put it out there. Maybe it's a hot take. But what happens is gentle parenting. When you're trying to talk to a kid and they're screaming and yelling, you're like, okay, let's sit. Let's talk. In the beginning, it's gonna take two hours.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:When my daughter started getting to that age where she was having the, you know, the meltdowns and stuff, and she's just testing boundaries. In the beginning it was that mix. Sometimes I had to stick her in a chair. I said, no, you will sit in this chair. This is a timeout. Like you need to sit here. And you know, I don't know, like, is that the best thing or not? Right? But then at the same time, then I could talk to her. I'm like, okay, let's talk about what's happening. How are you feeling? She's screaming and yell. It takes two hours, three hours, right? But here's what happens Is. After five minutes, we're like, are you okay? It's okay. Just talk about your feelings. It's okay. And then we leave it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Well, now we're just being permissive. Like we're not addressing the emotion. We're not separating the emotion from the react, from the behavior. We're not modeling how to work through those things. We are not showing them that there are rules. You know, and this is completely my own personal, once again, just philosophy and stuff, but the way I kind of talk to my wife about how I raised my kid and this, this is something that as a parent now and just being an an administrator and a dean at a school that I've just, things that I've learned watching lots of different families and myself, I teach and raise Violet and my and and Felix. I raise them and teach them for the world that I want them to be in. I.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:But when they leave the house, I also teach them to live in the world we're actually in. And those are two different things, right? Because when we teach them, you know, look, we live in a society where, you know, you go to the schools, there's testing,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:you do what you need to do, you turn in your assignments, you are a good little soldier, and you do what you need to do.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Okay? There's no room for a kid to be like, well, I wanna talk about my feelings, you know? And when they're 15 or 16 and they're working that job and they're learning how to work at a place, they're gonna have a boss that's going to yell at them. Well, if they don't know how to handle that, they're gonna be too soft. They're gonna be too. And so, you know, and, and it, and it's hard, but it's like finding a balance of like, I. Violet, what are you gonna do to make the world how you wanna be it? Right. We need, we, uh, the onus is on me and my family. Like Violet, when you go out there, you will speak with people, to people with respect. You will be kind, we will be kind you know, these types of things. But at the same time, if she has a teacher that is yelling at her and she comes home, she goes, this teacher's too tough. I can be like, okay, what are we gonna do? What's your solution? How do we make them become solution orientated? And so it's finding that balance, you know. And so we don't wanna be permissive, like restorative conversations take a long time, but it's very important that you follow through with that stuff.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. And I think that is just part of the process, right? In terms of how you wanna, again, it all, I think it's all based on how you wanna model,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:how do you wanna model in front of your kids? And giving them those real life examples too, so that they see it and it's almost like it, it can be ingrained in them. On how to deal with these conflicts later
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:life. And so with you now being a dad, right? And you know, now practicing approaches in your parenting, even if it's not every day, right?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Have you noticed any changes in your, like, stress level patience, like overall happiness? Like how, how has
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Oh,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:health really been?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:when I started doing therapy and I, I stopped, not because I wanted to stop, but the therapist is like, Hey, man, at this point we're just hanging out at, yeah. I mean, you know, but he is like, at this point we're just talking like we're just hanging out.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And because he had given me the tools, and I'm like, okay, if you're telling me these are the strategies, I'm gonna use'em. Right. You know? But, and so in my own parenting, and yeah, I mean, my stress levels are like, because now I understand these things, and in the beginning it was hard, but after a while, but here's the thing, if you keep at it eventually, like my daughter, for the most part, you know, I'm lucky. Like I'm blessed. She's a really great kid.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And, and, and she, you know, is able to describe her emotions, you know, she does have the skill to walk back from the ledge and not every day, you know, like yesterday she was crying and, and, and Felix was crying and my wife wasn't home yet. And I was just like, oh my god guys. And I put. The TV on. Right. And the thing is, we have a strict, like when we watch tv, we always sit with the kids and watch it. And the tablet, you know, for long rides, the rule is if it's more than an hour, you can use a tablet. But if not, we're not using it at home. We're not doing that. But guess what, man in that moment here, right? Or if she comes in, sometimes she likes to get into the bed with us and it's if it's before 7:00 AM and it's a Saturday, just here's my phone. You can watch a video.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:'cause who cares?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:gotta take care of me too. You know what I mean? Here's the one component. Well, so yeah. So my stress, yes, because I'm, I now feel it and I see her doing it and I see that it's working and, but even how I talk to my wife, you know, of course it builds, you know, it, it makes me feel better to know, like I have a relationship where we can communicate and, you know, she knows me and I know her. She knows that sometimes I need time to walk away and calm down because of, because of how I was raised. And in my household, how we discuss is, like I said, we would yell and it was about cutting the other person. And she knows that. And so if I'm walking away, she already knows at this point in our relationship, he's walking away because he doesn't want to say something that, you know, he, he might say something hurtful because that's how he is wired. So he, by him walking away, he will calm down. And when he comes to me, I know that he's gonna be ready to tell me in a healthy way what's going on. And so she gives me that space instead of why are you walking away? Or vice versa. And so, you know, and so, yeah, I feel like all around, I just do feel much more at peace. You know, I feel much calmer with everything. You know, and just. Reflecting and, and, and all that. And, and yeah, I mean, I, I feel like I told my wife the other day, you know, so when I was a kid I watched a lot of TV and I'm like too much, like hours and hours, but it was me and my mom at night. And unfortunately, those, those, you know, gender roles, like she would cook and clean after work. And so I would be home and watching tv. And so, but I remember sometimes as a kid just being like, man, I wish I had a family like that. I wish I could, I wish I could be like the sitcom families. I mean, I love early nineties sitcoms, chef, kids, man growing pains, you know, Cosby show,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:by step.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:step by step, uh, all that, you know. And so I told my wife the other day, I go, you know what babe? I go, I feel like right now I'm living a life like. This is a show I would've watched. I feel like I am in a sitcom that I wanted.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Hmm
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Right. And even for me, like I'm a huge comic book nerd and you know, all this other stuff. But the reason I bring that up is those were also resources, right? Like, I had my parents and they, but there were also certain things that I saw and I wanted to aspire to. And so, I feel like I am in that place right now. You know? I feel like, and once again, I, I have our days. We all have our days, you know, but it gets, you know, all you can do is, is try to do your best.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing that. what would you say are the first steps? I know that you mentioned therapy, right?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:but in the same time, like what are some practical first steps
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:listeners can begin incorporating specifically with restorative, uh,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:let me give you an actual, like a checklist, like a step by step, right? Like, once again, it's not always gonna work, but it's a good little thing to have in your pocket
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:anytime your child is dysregulated, whether they're very sad, whether they're very angry, whether they're not doing what you're saying, okay? Before any of that, the first step of the checklist is what is my current mental state? Okay? So, you just got home from work 20 minutes ago and your kid's freaking out and you're stressed'cause you just got home. That's not the time to do that, right? So the first step is what is your current mental state? Am I in a state where like, you know, I, I think I could handle being yelled at for about 30 minutes right now, and I'm gonna keep it real. Like in the beginning, that's what you have to ask yourself. Like, am I ready to do this? Like, am I really ready right now to have this convo? Can I hold, can I, can I take this kid yelling at me for about 30 minutes right now? In the beginning, right? So, so first step is what is your mental state? Second step is when you do engage or once you do enter the situation, the second step is what is your child's need and root cause?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And if you google the words mistaken goal chart, okay? Mistaken goal chart. It's the perfect little cheat sheet. And you'll probably see different versions of it. But basically it's like a little checklist and it says, if your kid is doing this, then this is what they are doing, right? Or if your kid does this, usually we do this, which causes this, but we should do this instead. Like it's actual column. Right. And so first step, what is your current mental state? Are you ready to, you know, tussle? Are you ready to do this? And, and stay calm? Second step, what is their root cause? Okay, it could be if you're holding a baby and all of a sudden you have, let's say, you know, I'll use my own kids as an example. Let's say I'm holding Felix. I see Violet, and she gets a crayon and writes on the wall. Okay? You know, I know how my mom would've handled it well, but what I do is like, okay, why did she do that? Well, I'm gonna take a guess. I'm with Felix right now. I'm giving him lots of attention, and when she's doing that, she's trying to get my attention. So when I turn to her, I go, Hey, bye. I bet right now you're probably feeling like you want attention. You know, I love you no matter what, even when I'm with Felix. So why don't you come over? Let me give you a hug. All right? Now, here's the thing, violet. We can't, like, we can't write on the walls. Like it makes a mess and, you know, does it look nice? No. Yeah. I mean, do you wanna live in a house that's, no, I don't. Dirty and with writing, and you know, me and mommy were, I know. All right, well, you know, you made the, we, you did this, so you're gonna have to clean it. I'll help get water and stuff, but you're gonna have to clean it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Now here's the thing, she might freak out and now I got 40 minutes of her being like, ah, that's gonna happen.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:now, now we're looking at almost an hour. So now the 40 minutes, I'm like, all right, well now I gotta, okay. Hey, you're upset. I didn't say, look, it's okay to be mad, but I mean, that's the thing, right? So first step, what is our mental state? And are we ready to really put in the time if we're gonna do this second step, trying to figure out the root cause, you know? And that's like one example, but there could be, they want your attention. They're scared, they're tired. You know, we went to Spain last year for a month. And we took our kids, you know, we all went as a family and the largest temper tantrums that Violet has ever had we're all in Spain.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Oh
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And it's like, okay, we're in a different country, we're away from home.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:It's real hot today. And she's four. Like
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:yeah.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:I adults, man, adults don't even like, you know, adults go on vacation and want this and that and like, she's four.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:as an adult, as a parent, I'd be like, okay, she's hot, I'm gonna pick her up. And I was like, embarrassed.'cause we were at a museum like this is literally hands down the biggest meltdown she's ever had.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Oh, wow.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:You know, Spain's different man. So people will let you know. They'll be like, oh, like, look, dude, you're 70. Okay? Like, you were around, you thought Franco was okay. Do not tell me right now how to raise my kid, right? But point being like, but as a parent, I had to be like, okay, it's hot. She's tired. Like she just, she's, she's, she's upset, but she's four. She doesn't know how to verbalize it.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:her up. I, I put a little water on her neck, lifted her hair, blew her neck. Try. She calmed down. She was hot. It was, you know, and so, but then I'm like, Hey, kid. I go, that is not okay. I go, how do you think that makes me? So now, okay, it's about me being embarrassed. That's really what it's about. But guess what? I'm gonna let her know because I'm a human. So I'm gonna say, okay. All those people walking by, how do you, you know, that made me embarrassed. And I know it's not necessarily your fault or problem, but it did make me feel embarrassed. You know, like just trying to figure out a way, right? So first step, what's your state, current state second step, what is their goal? And what is it that they're trying to achieve? And then, you know, third step is like, resolution, right? and, and just being like, okay, you know, I'm really proud of you. Like I, this time you really, like, I know you were upset for a bit, but then you started talking to me about your feelings, you calmed down, right? So the final component, and this is just an all around component, is we have to praise our kids when we see it. If we're trying to model a behavior or ask them to do something, you have to constantly tell'em, like, I'm like, violet, we gotta go. We gotta go. So if Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm losing it on her. And then Friday she finally gets ready and is out the door. I'm gonna say, whoa, violet. Are you an adult today? That is crazy. You got ready, you sat in the car, you, you know, ate. Wow. Thank you so much. And that's the constant praise and acknowledgement when they're doing what we want them to do.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes. Which is something that many of us did not get.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:No,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:got that, like positive feedback, you know, compliments. We never got
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:no, no. It
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yeah,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:always like, you're gonna wear, you know, you know, a kid falls off a bike if an adult said that to you. You know what I mean? That's things we talk to the kids, you know, there's certain aspects. We are the adult, but there's other things where, you know, they're still humans.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:right.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Right?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:feelings, you know?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:You know, when I was a kid, my mom would make me the thi and to this day, I don't eat it. She would make me eat liver and onions. Right. I don't eat it now as an adult. Why would I eat it as a kid? But she would make me sit there and eat it until I finished. Well, when do you ever do that to an adult? Now I get it. Okay. Like they can't just eat french fries every day either, but you know, you kind of have to be like, okay, well maybe liver, you know, maybe is not the food for a five-year-old. Right. So
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:It takes, it's a process.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:it takes time. And so we have to kind of meet them in the middle, you know?
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Exactly. No, I love that. I really appreciate you sharing all of this, uh, wisdom and, and just reflection. I think it's definitely giving me an opportunity to reflect just trying to modify, or I would say it affirms what we're doing. You
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:at the end of the day, yes, we wanna incorporate these different practices than the way that we grew up, but also we are human and it's okay to mess up. You know,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:that if one day you're not having a good day. think it's just important to really think about your emotions as well and your overall wellbeing before you present it. To your kids,
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. Yeah.
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:to resolve something that you can't even resolve on your
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:And I would say, you know, I use it for education, but I would say that's also for any partner or human or human interaction. What is your current mental state before you go and talk to your spouse or partner,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Right?
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:and then what is their need or want or desire
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Mm-hmm.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:and how can you communicate that in a way that's respectful and honors both of you? You know, the one thing is I tell all the parents as long, look, my mom wasn't perfect. I mean, she straight up, when I would have a temper tantrum, she would throw me in the shower and turn on the cold water. I'm gonna take it there like not all the time, but you know, she was old school. But here's the thing, she loved me though. She's still in my life. She still helps me with my kids. And so I think at the end of the day, love your kids and remind them that you love them. I think that's it. I think a lot of immigrants, it's hard. They come and my parents to this day equate happiness with money. I provide these things for you, but what we realize is like, no, we want time and love. So just love your kid even if you mess up. Or at the end of the day, if you really love your kid and you remind them that you love them, then you know, I think that that can really heal and that can really get you past a lot of things
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Yes. Oh my gosh, I love this. I love this. And I think this is a great way to wrap up the interview. You really provided some really great nuggets here that I know our listeners are definitely gonna take away from, really insightful information, especially for, I think that parenting is a lot of work. It's beyond taking care and nurturing our kids. It's also about reflecting on ourselves and how we're also taking care of ourselves during that process.
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. It's like you gotta, in an airplane, you put the mask on yourself first. Right. That's what they say. So,
jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643:Absolutely. Yeah. Well, Alex, thank you so much
alex_1_03-22-2025_090642:Yeah. Thank you.